Friday, April 4, 2008

Domestic Violence and Deaf people

Hi, folks,

Domestic violence experiences at some homes. This subject is the least talked about subject, especially among the Deaf communities. Why mention this? I had experienced domestic violence and it led me to file for a divorce. Also, I just witnessed someone else's experience. So, this prompted me to do this blog message. I thought I probably share this with you, not about myself, but about the people I had encountered with recently. No names mentioned for the security reasons, of course.

I went to the shelter with my kids. I felt relieved from the home situation. I did not expect the stress, nor the arguments, like I usually did at home. I felt free. At nights, I slept peacefully without any worries or negative feelings.

At the shelter, people get support. People get a place to stay and sleep. They do not have to worry about budget for hotel or staying at friend's or relatives' homes with an expectation of doing the best there. They do not have to be worried whether the spouse might show up and cause the problems at home...

Anyway, I want to mention a few interesting points here that domestic violence can happen to anyone. I am a social worker, and it happened to me. The judge showed up at the shelter and she shared her experience with us that she, too, was a victim to domestic violence while she was a lawyer, and her husband was a policeman.

There are some serious stories at shelter. For example, one lady showed up after being beaten three months ago, and she was hospitalized for three months. She had broken collarbone, two ribs and ankle. She filed for a divorce after this incident.

Another story: one guy showed up at the shelter. His lover beat him so badly that he ended up at hospital. This guy does not have a job, and a home. So, he needs some help to start over by finding a new job and a new home. The shelter helps him out.

How about this story: one lady did not experience severe situations like this, but experienced considerably bothersome unavoidable situation that she needed some space for herself. She was stressed out badly that she needed a place away from her ex-husband. The shelter provided much needed support and peace that she wasn't able to get at home. .

One more story: one deaf girl was beaten by her ex-husband by smashing the hearing aid on her head. The part of skull is damaged, and the cochlear is gone. She cannot hear anything on her damaged ear.

Again, this does not limit to women and gays, but to men. I know a few Deaf men that have experienced the domestic violence.

So, I can list some more like this. However, I'd like to add this information to this.

Basic Rights in a Relationship:

* The right to emotional support.

* The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

* The right to have your own point of view, even if it differs from your partner's.

* The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.

* The right to live free from accusation and blame.

* The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

* The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

* The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

* The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered.

Again, it depends on how you view on your relationship. Some can be tolerated, while another can be uncomfortable.

Thank you, Butterfly, like me...Deaf

Up to date:

One commenter mentioned an unfinished project, like the need to completing the house. This hit me this spot, because I postponed the file for divorce, due to unfinished project, like an addition of mine. I feel I could have done earlier if it were not for the addition. So, do not let anything stop you from filing for the divorce, IF you are experiencing the unpleasant situation.

Thank you, Butterfly, like me...Deaf


Deaf Pixie said...

Wow, I know it is being hard on you after you filed divorced. You will be move on and doing better.

I have several incident and can see it is much harder for me to deal with issues in the house.

We are repaired ourselves and move on and doing better than past of year ago

deafk said...

Funny thing that you mentioned house. I have an addition that needs to be built completely. It has been five years since we added the addition, so what's the point why I keep up with the marriage?? I am better off without him really. For the addition, I guess I have to find a source to do so on my own!


Deaf Pixie said...

Butterfly, Like Me...

I thought Domestic Violence issues that you brought up into healthly way to prevent. I feel bad about the girl go through with CI issues by her step father assulted her CI .. Not right!

I am glad you brought up and doing better in your new life with your children into important and education.
Glad you wrote about these. I have go through terrible. but I knew my husband do not do thing wrong. someone(Deaf Service) lied to him about A.D.A.related. My daughter have struggle without medical/dental coverage for her TMJ issues. Due to take out of my health insurance for interpreter fee. we were argued about it. It is wrong to take out of interpreter expense from my husband's health insurance.

D.V. is criminal and avoid to arguement. Get something to sitting down to straight out instead of became D.V. lead and much worsen.

deafk said...

Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, I decided to write this for some Deaf people. I thought maybe this might bring some hope to those Deaf people. Also, it applies to anyone.

thanks, deafk

LaRonda said...

Dear One,

Sharing these stories is so important. Thank you for your courage to stand up and speak out. VIOLENCE of any kind is NOT ok.

Your stories might be important to share with organizations who serve Deaf people who are victims and survivors of DV. Do Google them and consider offering your stories or support.


~ LaRonda

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this. I am not deaf, but my husband is and it has taken years of abuse and also coming to the realization that he has a sexual addiction that I finally have gotten the strength to leave him. I copied down your list of basic rights because it is somthing I had never heard before. Thanks again.

deafk said...

I, too, did not have this information until I was at the shelter... I thought why not share this with my readers. I am sorry you had to go through this way. I wish you best lucks!